Am I Too Lost?
by GreenMartini
Summary: Draco has been hurt, but the more he tries to make the pain away, the worse it gets. Who can help him?


Disclaimer: This is Harry Potter fic number **10**. I still don't own the thing, so why bother putting this...

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"Don't touch me, please," the familiar voice of Draco Malfoy said. "Blaise, please don't." Despite his pleas, a hand was still lightly placed on his waist.

"Why?" Blaise softly inquired from the floor. He looked up at Draco with dark, worriful blue eyes.

"I feel dirty." He cowered at Blaise's angry look.

"They told me at the hospital that you were over that."

"I had to tell them that!" Draco panicked as he attempted to push himself further into the chair. "I-I wanted to come home!" When Blaise stood up and began to walk the other way, Draco stood up also, the chair toppling over from the sudden lack of support. "They wouldn't let me see you!" He fell to his knees at Blaise's feet.

"I know," Blaise said quietly, his hand drifting to the side of Draco's head softly, as if the breaking of the slow, purposeful movements would upset the whole balance. If Blaise were honest with himself, he would have realized that hiding his fears was only hurting Draco more. The thought of being the only one distressed over the situation made the blonde feel as if he were upset for no good reason. How wrong he was.

Blaise moved his hand from behind Draco's ear and started down his neck. He felt the muscles beneath the pale skin tense under his long fingers when he ghosted over a particularly nasty bruise just below the back of the blonde's jaw. The brunette had to close his eyes to stop the tears from coming. Opening his eyes slowly, he watched Draco as he watched the brunette's hand move between his arm and the side of this chest. The blonde made no protest, he just sat back and watched. With an unusual bout of fear, Blaise slowly took his opposite hand and placed it on the other side of Draco's chest. Carefully, though it strained his arms due to the slow speed, Blaise set Draco lightly on his feet, then removed his hand from Draco's person. He trusted Draco to tell him when he was going too far. Blaise put his hands loosely at his side in waiting.

After what seemed like a lifetime, Draco took a tentative step forward and rested his head against Blaise's chest, inhaling deeply. Blaise was not sure if it was a comfort for Draco to inhale a distinct scent that he linked with happiness, or it it was just exhaustion forcing itself upon him. Either way, Blaise was not going to move unless he was specifically asked to. Surprisingly, a hand of Draco's found its way up Blaise's back to cup the back of Blaise's neck. Draco apparently was trying to be as gentle with Blaise as Blaise was treating him.

"Blaise?" Draco asked, playing with the ends of the brunette's curly hair.

"Yes, Draco?"

"You are allowed to hug me you know," the blonde said quietly, his hoarse voice barely above a whisper.

Without replying, Blaise put his arms around Draco as the blonde started a lazy hum, swaying the two of them back and forth. It was not a dance, but rather a comforting embrace set to a relaxing tune. Blaise closed his eyes and enjoyed the feel of Draco against him, reveling in the thought that this was the first real contact the two have had, next to holding hands, in the last two weeks. The humming had stopped and Blaise opened a blue eye to find Draco's gray eyes watching him as they continued their lazy movement.

"Why did you walk away?" The blonde asked solemnly.

"You mean just a cuople minutes agao?" At the nod against his chest he continued. "I was going to get a blanket so we could curl up and sleep"

"Oh," Draco said, his monotone voice seemlingly surprised. "I thought I made you mad."

"Not this time you didn't, but there have been many of those instances haven't there?"

"Too many, it's just-I don't mean to. Everything just starts to run toge-"

"I know, just hush about it. Our arguments are one of the _many_ reasons I have come to fall in love with you."

Silence followed and Blaise smiled slightly at Draco's pondering look. He knew that the blonde was turning the words he had said around in his jumbled brain, trying to to find fault with it.

"Shall I get the blanket so we may head to the couch?"

"No," Draco stated firmly, his first real emotion of the night. "I'm not going to dirty the things that we own because of myself."

This seemed to be the last straw for Blaise. Angrily, he stepped away from Draco. One. Two. Three steps back he went. "If you really believe that you are dirty, then the hallways and stairways we used to get up here are dirty, the very carpet that you are standing on is filthy, and my body, the one home of the very person that you love, is _contaminated_!" Blaise threw himself so he was sitting on the thick carpet, his hands gripping and pulling against his hair in an effort to calm himself down.

Apparently, a freak-out on Blaise's part was the last thing that Draco needed as this triggered him to go back into panic mode.

"No! Blaise stop! Please...just stop. I-I didn't mean it like that!" Draco stuttered, scrambling to get over to Blaise. For the second time that evening, he fell to his knees in front of the brunette, this time attempting to get him to calm down, rather than begging him to stay. "Blaise, stop, you're going to hurt yourself," Draco pleaded, pulling at Blaise's arms; they wouldn't budge. "STOP IT!" Draco screamed, pushing Blaise over.

Startled, Blaise opened his eyes and looked around. Never before had Draco ever acted so desolately against him. The only thing he could remember was a playful shove during an argument. Blasie sat up at the sound of sobbing and watched Draco sitting on the floor, his arms pulled around himself.

"Come here," Blaise said, feeling his eyes glazing over with tears that threatened to spill for the second time that evening.

Without argue, Draco walked over and made himself comfortable between Blaise's spread legs, his head once again the brunette's chest. "I'm sorry," the blonde sobbed.

"Don't do this to yourself, it was my fault. I just don't like it when you berate yourself like that," Blaise whispered against Draco's whispy hair, some strands blowing up and then falling back down against Draco's scalp.

"I know, and I can't stop it, I just feel so dirty."

"You're not dirty, Draco, not ever. The people that did this too you are dirty; as filthy as they come."

"I-I do feel a lot cleaner when you're around though," Draco admitted sincerely.

"Well, how about we try and see if we can't get my clean lover back," Blaise said, standing and offering a hand to Draco who took it. Blaise led Draco through the bedroom and into the larger of the two bathrooms. Once there he told Draco to strip as he kicked off his shoes. Shyly, Draco pulled the baggy t-shirt over his head and stripped himself of his sweatpants. After that he peeled his socks off and stook awkwardly in the middle of the bathroom as Blaise sat on the toilet watching him.

"Aren't you going to undress?"

"No, we're washing you, not me."

"Okay..." Draco said dubiously as Blaise walked over and hugged him.

"Trust me, Deary, you'll feel better after this." Blaise started to push him toward the shower, turning the two of them backward so he could reach the knobs to adjust the water. When the water was just right, he stepped in and pulled Draco along with him.

Blaise was the first one to reach the spray of the warm water, reveling in the fact that his dress clothes were soaked instantly. He tipped his head back, letting the water soak his hair, making it darker than it originally was. Draco walked up and pressed his nude self against Blaise's wet, cloth-covered one. He winced slightly as the strong jet hit the bruises and scrapes that covered his back. Wordlessly, Blaise reached behind him to grab the shampoo bottle, pulling Draco so that his back was facing the brunette's chest. Opening the bottle, Blaise placed a small amount of the liquid onto his hand and worked it into Draco's hair, the lather barely making it a shade lighter than it was. The blonde rolled his head around as Blaise worked his hands. He let out a slightly annoyed groan as Blaise placed him back under the spray to wash out the soap. With a content sigh, Draco fell back against Blaise, hissing as the wet fabric hit his abrasions.

"Feeling better?" Blaise asked against Draco's ear.

The blonde did not bother to supress the shudder that ran through him. "A-almost," the blonde sounded close to tears again so Blaise wrapped his arms around Draco and began to sway with him again. "Can I continue?" Blaise asked quietly.

"Yeah," Draco said even more quietly.

Blaise turned the two of them so he was getting a majority of the spray and grabbed the washcloth hanging on the bar. He put soap on it and lathered it, moving back to Draco. He started with Draco's neck, keeping the bruises and scratches in mind. Blaise could not wait until the person that did this too him was executed. Being raped and abused was reason enough to hate someone with a passion, but doing it to someone's lover gave the significant other the right for a death threat. Blaise moved the washcloth down to Draco's chest, scrubbing lightly as his other hand that was not soapy to Draco's lips, remembering with a burning hatred the day that they found Draco, a white substance caked on those soft lips. By the time that he had pulled out of his daze, he had finished washing Draco's torso and back. With a determined fever, Blaise slowly lowered the washcloth from Draco's lower back to the blonde's abused bottom. Draco wimpered and threw his half-soapy body against Blaise, hugging him around the torso tightly.

"Shh, Draco it's okay, we're cleaning you. I'm not going to touch you anywhere you don't want me to." Draco did not complain as Blaise continued to wash him. When the blonde was sudsy from neck to toe, he walked back into the spray, standing limply and hoping that no effort was required to rinse himself. Draco walked passed Blaise and turned the water off, stepping out.

Blaise stepped out behind him and grabbed two large fluffy towels from the closet, water dripping a trail on the tiled floor from his soaked clothes. He handed one to Draco, jokingly asking Draco if he wanted help drying off. The blonde declined without a smile. Blaise peeled the drenched clothes from his tan skin and threw them in the tub, drying himself off with the towel that he held. Draco had already dried himself and stood watching Blaise.

"I feel better now, a lot better than I've felt in a long while," Draco said, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other.

"I'm glad, what do you want to do now?"

"Can we just go lay down?"

Blaise caught a glimpse of the clock in the bedroom beyond the door, the clock read ten in the morning. "Yeah, we can lay down for as long as you want."

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Aw...what a weird fic. I started this at 7 this morning and finished it 12 hours later. Yay for me. Reviews for this one would be much appreciated. I take the time to reply to every review that I get, I always appreciate feedback, no matter how rude it is.


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